Attention is an On-Off Switch

If you are talking to someone, then your attention toward that person is like a light switch: it's on or it’s off. There is no dimmer switch, at least for the best types of relationship building. I read an article by David Brooks, “We’re Disconnected and Lonely,” where he talked about how to be a better conversationalist. I just thought it was so important and I will tell you why I love this concept.  

Why It Matters 

First of all, it matters to other people, it matters to you, and it matters to me. Because it really influences how deeply our connections form with people and how much people like us from the get-go. It can be very important depending on what you're doing in your job. And it can also be important if you're someone who put friends aside while developing your career and/or having children, then you realize you don't have the friendships you wanted and now you're looking to make lifelong friends. There are a lot of opportunities for this to really come in handy for you.  

It’s Not Just About You 

But it's not just about you, it really is that other people feel great when they're around you if you give them attention. Clinical research is my second career – and for anyone who doesn't know that I was originally in the entertainment industry. It was always the case that if I was at a bar, at a party, at a meeting, absolutely anywhere, most of the time, people were looking past my head and past everyone else's head to see if they saw someone more famous, more likely to help them get ahead in their career. It was never about just having a conversation with you as a human. The people who gave their attention the best were usually the people who were already famous or successful. It was the ones who were trying to get somewhere who were always looking at how to use people to get there. I always thought that was just a terrible way to be. And, while I took it as no reflection upon myself, I took it as a great teaching.  

Conversation Tips 

Let me tell you some of these conversation tips because people still do this outside of the entertainment industry. One is to 👂🏼listen loudly - to actively listen with nods, smiles, and words of affirmation such as “I hear you” or “Oh, tell me more about that.” These are ways of actively loudly listening. “Oh, yeah, for sure!” Now, it doesn't mean that you have to say those things and you shouldn't seem disingenuous about it. You don't just want to say the words; it’s about sharing a moment with a person. I find most things fascinating; I just find the entire world fascinating; and people are fascinating, and there's a great joy in talking to people, so I will give words of affirmation. A nod and smiling are the easiest ways to start. Being present is to avoid distractions and not be looking for other people. Think about if you're with a patient in a hospital setting and you're taking patient notes. I would say “I need to write that down, so I get it right before I forget it. Pardon me for just a second.” This way they know I'm not just doing something else or ignoring them. Or, if I had to look something up, I'd say, “Can you excuse me for just a moment, I need to look this up so I can give you the right information.” In this way, it doesn't look like I'm just looking at my phone, because a lot of times phones are our means of both finding and logging new information.  

Secondly, let the person know that you're still there and you're still actively engaged. Ask follow-up questions - I think that's an easy one - and don't fear the pause. If a person is talking, you don't have to then immediately jump in to say something. Instead, you could let it linger for a couple seconds to see if they had something more to say or to show that you weren't just “listening to speak”. That's super common - people are chomping at the bit to get the next word in while you are still talking. If that's the case, they have stopped listening entirely. It's very evident, and that always annoys the speaker.  

The last one is - don't “be a topper.” I don’t think this one is talked about enough. If someone shares a problem, don't switch the focus back on yourself, or share a similar experience. For example, you may say, “I didn’t sleep well last night. My kids kept me up all night.” And they respond, “Oh, my kids were worse, and they were up all night, blah, blah.” Let the person just have that moment as they felt like sharing it. If you felt like sharing it, you would share that. Instead, just respond, “That is really hard. I know how that can be.” That would be better. It shows that you have empathy and understanding but you're not trying to top them.  

So, remember, attention is an on-off switch, and don't be a topper. Take care!