Reframing Criticism

The Path to Productive Self-Improvement 

Today we're going to talk about the most productive and healthiest ways to take criticism, along with a philosophical chat about the word itself. I was listening to the Masters of Scale podcast, which is a terrific podcast for scaling up businesses and growth ideas. The CEO interviewed in this episode mentioned a piece of advice she received early in her career: whenever you're criticized, assume that it's correct. What she means is to look first to see if any portion of the feedback you received is true, and then decide what to do with that information. 

 Of course, this advice only works if you're self-aware. If you are, you can try to change your behavior and improve in some way. I was reading a book about a gentleman who went on Shark Tank and was wildly unsuccessful, despite the fact that, several years later, the product he was pitching was sold for $1 billion. It was the Ring doorbell device, which none of the “sharks” invested in. Why? Because he was really bad at his non-verbal and verbal communication cues. He was probably given feedback afterward that his idea tanked on Shark Tank because he wasn't a good presenter. That feedback was invaluable. He could have ignored it, thinking the idea would sell itself, but it didn't. He must have taken that feedback and worked on improving his presentation skills, and now he's apparently a very good presenter. 

The 1st step is looking to see if the feedback is true. The CEO said something interesting about the second part of assuming the person is correct: if you find that the feedback is true, even partially, take it as a chance to repair the relationship with the person who gave it to you. When a person gives you feedback or criticism, you could be mad at them, or they might be giving you negative feedback because they're mad at you. This is an opportunity to connect with them. If they were correct, thank them for the feedback. If they were upset with you, use it to understand how they're feeling and reconnect with them. They're doing you a favor. If someone tells you you're a bad listener, dozens of others might think the same thing but haven't said it. Whether it was brave or just an emotional reaction, they've done you a favor. 

The second thing that could happen is that you decide that the feedback isn't true. Perhaps I think I'm a terrific presenter and don't believe what you said is accurate. I can still ask myself, "Where did that feedback come from? Why did you say it, and what can I learn from it?" For example, many years ago, there was an employee who was very angry about something and was making accusations against her manager. It was so extreme that someone suggested writing her up for insubordination. I thought it was obvious she had something else going on. I advised the manager not to take it personally. Instead, talk to her to understand what's really happening rather than letting your ego break the relationship. Often, you find out that something horrible happened to them that day, and it might be up to you to help resolve the situation. 

Now let's talk about my thoughts on this word. I never use the word “criticism” because it implies judgment. A person gives you feedback, and you can interpret it as positive, negative, or neutral. The person who gave the feedback might also view it as positive, negative, or neutral. For instance, if someone says, "You talk too much in meetings," they could mean it as a criticism: "You talk too much in meetings; it's so annoying." They might mean it positively: "You talk too much in meetings, but it works really well," or neutrally: "You talk too much in meetings." The phrase "too much" is a qualifier, but how they mean it is on them, and how you take it is on you. 

If someone said, "You talk too much in meetings," I could think, "Oh, wow, I wonder if that’s distracting for people," which would be a negative interpretation but still helpful. Or I could decide, "I don’t think that’s true. That’s their opinion about what I should be doing," and let it roll off my back. Alternatively, I could take it positively. I was a painfully shy child, so if someone thought I talked too much in meetings, I would feel joy, thinking, "Wow, I’ve come so far." I might still wonder why I’m coming off that way and reflect on whether I’m talking too much, but I’d be momentarily delighted by the comment. 

My thought for you is that there really is no criticism. If you’re upset about feedback someone gave you and take it as a criticism, that’s on you for your interpretation. See what else you can do with it. Process it like I talked about earlier. If you’re coming up with solutions, then it’s an opportunity, not something negative. It’s okay not to be perfect. Perfectionism is something I plan to discuss in a future episode. Go out, give people important feedback, and accept feedback in new ways.